Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Master Class in Verbal Combat With the Human Female: Craig Ferguson

I never get to sleep at a sane hour.  Downside is I probably have a Vitamin D deficiency.  Upside is I get to watch Craig Ferguson.

Craig Ferguson's late night talk show should be used by shool teachers working with kids with autism.  I'm not even entirely certain I mean that as a joke.  I've just never seen anyone in my life who quite had as perfect of a gift for shooting the shit with people as Craig Ferguson!

More important, the man is awesome at talking to hot chicks one-third his age.  Observe:

This kids is how ya do it.  Olivia Wilde is hot and she knows it.  She's in a position of superiority and she knows it.  And she shit tests Craig Ferguson even though it's a known fact the man is a gifted conversationalist.  So gifted they don't even bother scripting the show -- and people still pay him a couple million dollars to sit around with a robot and horse treating celebrities like they're retarded and making repeated dirty old man remarks to barely legal hotties.

How good is he?  Here's a compilation from YouTube of him  just plowing the dirty talk to a multitude of chicks:

This is how the fuck you do it, kids!

And here's a case where the chick really pushes back hard against his bullshit:

There's kino (see 2:18).  Lots of jokes.  Leaning in and out but never leaning in too aggressively.  At 4:50 he's got her playing with various trinkets.  And on and on and on.

The irony is he's not even that funny in these settings (overall, he's quite funny).  For the most part he just plows and plows with full-on game and force the chicks to come out and play at his speed.

My favorite Craig Ferguson move is when he just scoot his chair right over, spreads his legs and parks his right knee directly next to the chicks hand.  Big, open, dominant posture.  Pure fucking primatology stuff right there.  No hesitation.  No asking.  Just moves right over, parks his body right in her personal space and practically dares the chick to touch his knee.

Yeah, I know he has the Scottish accent.  And he's a fairly skinny and bright older guy with money.  I also know he's a former junkie who consumed every shitty chemical on earth and has somehow bullshitted a bunch of rich guys into giving him millions of dollars for doing nothing of redeeming value!

Craig Ferguson doesn't have game.  Craig Ferguson IS game.

Watch that shit.  Learn something.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

How to Be Aloof With a Man

I see this one is surfacing again in the search queries.  About once every three months this seems to happen.  As a public service, we must once again address the single dumbest fucking question a woman can every ask:

"How Can I Be Aloof Around a Guy?"


Were you able to follow along there?  Being aloof around a guy is a dumb fucking idea.  And you are a dumb fucking person if you try it.

I get that girls aren't wild about openly approaching guys.  I appreciate that is a basic fact of nature.  But, at least conform to the basic rules of how girls approach guys.

Being aloof -- ignoring a guy in order to attract him -- is a dumb idea.  If he's attractive and he knows it, he is looking at other options besides you!  If he's attractive and he doesn't know it, he's gonna need a little help from you realizing you're serious about your interest in him.  And if he's unattractive -- well, you're gonna have to build him a paint-by-numbers kit to explain to him that you like him.

Female aloofness is a no-win plan.  Don't do it.  Ever.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Something I had never heard a woman say to her friend before

"You really need to leave that guy alone."

This one was uttered by the friend of a chick who was failing miserably trying to hit on me.  I thought that was a complete violation of Woman Law.  Article 1, Section I, Subsection A explicitly states no female friend is ever allowed to interrupt her fellow female's reality by telling her the damned truth, least of all when they are out on the prowl.

It kinda surprised me.  I probably should have thanked the friend, but then that would have been a big open invitation for the offending chick to launch into the classic "challenge the guy" trick.  I'm a bit surprised she didn't take a got at it anyhow.

I was sitting by myself at the table closest to the end of the bar, where people line up to get their  drinks.  Tonight was a super crowded night in my favorite club.  So, people were nudging and shoving left and right.  A groper's paradise.

Anyhow, this chick comes up to the end of the bar with her friend and her friend's boyfriend.  Now, the friend was do-able.  The boyfriend was a bit of a pierced and tattooed skinny ass weenie, but he seemed like an OK enough guy.  There's an entire class of slightly punked out chick that loves the sissy boys.  Whatever.  I always dug punked chicks and I never got much play with them because they're not compatible with aloof guy game.  They don't like the difficulty of traversing an aloof guy's well-defended boundaries.

The offending chick is a tough one to rate.  I'm gonna give her a low 5.  A 5.0.  Why?  Very pretty girl.  Well put together -- great hair dye job (I love that shit, because too many chicks have awful hair dye).  But one the wrong side of fat.  She still had a figure with more ass than waist, but . . . the older I get the less tolerance I have for chicks that can't put down the chips and go run a mile non-stop a couple times a week.  She looked like she was a lot younger than me.  I wouldn't peg her for any older than 23.

Her opener wasn't bad.  She backs into me and apologizes.  Then she said something like, "This is my first time doing something like this."

I took the bait because she was pleasant.  I have a tough time leveling a chick's game if she's not brutally violating social boundaries.  In general, I will let a woman play herself into embarrassment.  So, I said, "What, is this your first time out at the bar?"

She holds up a goodie bag (this was a lingerie night with prizes at the club) and says, "No.  I never got one of these before.  My friends all kept giving them to me."  (Oh, brother.  Someone needs to talk to her about what her friends meant by this.  She apparently impervious to reading pity into their intentions.)

I said, "Good for you," and then let the conversation trail off.

A few minutes later (the line for drinks is not moving at all) she leans in and says, "Why aren't you dancing?  Everybody who comes to this place comes to dance."

I mutter something to the effect of "Am I required to dance?"  She stumbled on this one and then gave up.  Instead she just started dancing a bit while standing in front of me.  She tries tossing her hair back and hitting me a bit with it.  She apologizes (yes, she decided to just redo her original opener).

Her friend's boyfriend, sensing impending failure, gives her a cutesie nudge in the back.  When she turns around he points at me.  On the one hand, you can't fault the guy for at least trying to wing her.  On the other hand, really, is pushing people toward failure a good idea?

I decided to point at him and just look away.  She and him play it back and forth a couple times with "no it was him" play.  Again, you can't really fault the guy.  He was being a good wingman.

And then he starts going full wingman on me.  Once they get their drinks, he pulls up at my table and says something like, "Great seats."  I said something to effect of "Any seat when it's this crowded is a good seat."  This gives the chick and her friend an opening to pull up at the table.

In good wingman style, he left the chick a seat between him and me so she could sit there.  In truth, this guy should be writing the fuckin manual on how to be a wingman.  He is gooooood.

They start going through the goodie bags they have.  She tries to accidentally spray some perfume on me.  I don't respond.  But, really, the girl's got pretty tight game.  Unfortunately, hitting on a guy who doesn't want to fuck you takes radical measures, not tight game.

She tries throwing some convo out there.  "I helped these two hook up.  Blah blah friends blah blah known each other since blah."  I tell her something to the effect of "Good work."  She trails off.  They always do.

Women struggle mightily with the idea that an unattached straight man does not want to fuck her.  It's tough and a lot of times they slow down and just try to recalibrate.  Truth be told, if she had been a guy gaming a girl, I'd have complimented her on having tight game despite her weaknesses.  Everything she tried is good stuff.  Staying pleasant and just doing a little recalibration can be a solid choice when you're striking out.

Unfortunately, tight game gets you nothing when a guy just doesn't see himself ever fucking you.  Sorry ladies.  Gaming a guy requires nuclear measures.  Question his sexuality.  Put him on the spot.  Being pleasant wins you nothing.

She and her friend disengage from me for a bit and I can see them, out of earshot, discussing something and looking at me.  Finally they come back over.

She eases off but is still taking looks over and trying to dance a bit.  It's clear she's hoping I'll get bored and push in there like a herb.  I'm guessing that being a fat chick with a very pretty face, she's probably used to herbs pushing up on her.  5s can lead a surprisingly pleasant life because of the two-point rule.  To some extent, a 5 really lives in the fat part of the curve.  She gets the joy of having 7s try to bed her.  She gets the joy of kicking 5s and unders to the curb.

She then bumps into me again and does the apology play AGAIN!  Now, the friend's boyfriend deserves massive points for what he says next.  Before I can respond, he says, "Oh, I'm sure he doesn't mind if dance up against him a bit!"  I give the guy that: killer fuckin wingman work right there!  Don't even bother letting your victim form an opinion: just tell them their opinion and make it stand.

I mutter off something about "It's so crowded everyone's dancing with everyone whether they like it or not."  She opts to just stop dancing and lurk there playing with the goodie bag.  She tries dropping an item at my feet and picking it up -- invading my personal space.  No effect.  Back to lurking.

And finally her friend utters words I have never heard a woman every tell another woman: "You really need to leave that guy alone."

After a couple minutes of me making a very overt effort to look the other way, she accepts defeat and moves on. She tells her friends something to the order of "We ought to over that way."  And that's it.  She doesn't even bother to say bye.

I always get a kick out of that with chicks.  They can try to say hello five times.  But, once they're butthurt, they won't say bye even once.  Truth be told, sometimes you gotta just be pleasant, friendzone yourself and hope something works out.  Saying bye inplies you have entered the friendzone.  Which, since guys only friend girls they want to fuck, is a great way to nudge a guy where you want him.  It's one of the reasons I won't let a chick I don't want to fuck pretend to be my friend.

Truth be told, if you strike out with someone more attractive than you, there's nothing wrong with letting yourself be friendzoned.  One, it can always be a lottery ticket for bedding them on the night they're drunk and vulnerable.  Two, attractive people can be used as props to game other people.  Remember: having attractive friends of the opposite sex makes you more attractive to the opposite sex.  Even if a person will not fuck you ever, the fact is you're validated enough by the fact they don't consider you too hideous to be seen with.  That's a win.  You just have to play it off that way and then go into high-functioning psychopath mode to exploit it against other attractive people.

Still . . . I have to say, I didn't think women were allowed to tell their friends that they're failing and they need to leave a guy alone.  This is interesting data, to say the least.