Monday, November 28, 2011

The basics: how women approach guys

One thing I've noticed on the internet in open discussions about sex is that guys are roundly paralyzed by the notion that they do all the approach, they assume all the risk and then women just cherry-pick the men they choose to date.

That's not true at all.  Women approach men.  They just do it their way. 

When a woman approaches you, she rarely goes the entire distance and outright says, "Hi."  She will place herself in physical proximity to you and then sort of look around at anyone but you.  Depending on her determination level and self-esteem, you have somewhere between a minute and five minutes to respond.  If you like her, take the under and act sooner.

To some extent, the woman's approach of a man preserves the basic pretense that we all know, where the man must hit on the woman first.  But, if a woman likes you enough, she will essentially concoct a scenario where only a downright moron (or a guy) could miss the signal to move in.

When I'm out at a club, I tend to go solo.  I know a lot of guys would freak at this idea.  But, for me it works.  From experience, I've found that women have a much easier time approaching me if there isn't a herd of jackoffs drunkenly hooting around me.

What I like to do, especially if I'm not seeing anything that compels me to go approach a woman, is to move toward the fringe of the crowd and observe dispassionately.  You don't want to get so far from the crowd that you cease to be a part of it -- that renders you unapproachable.  Women do no easily separate from the larger herd.

In my favorite club, my favorite spot is a rail on the second floor that overlooks the main dance floor.  I try to find a spot where there's some space around me, not always easy on the normally busy nights.  The girls that like me will start filtering past and will stop along the rail in the open space left for them. 

If the rail is gone, I also like seats in less occupied table areas of the bar.  You'll find women take a similar action, there they'll sit down at the next table.  The only downside to sitting at a table is that women seem more compelled to open me at a table, especially if they decided to sit down directly at my table.

The only women that open me aggressively are the ones that are a bit below my league.  It's a simple fact of nature: an aggressive approach is often an attempt to overcome the status of the person you're hitting on.  If a strange woman opens you with "Why are you sitting by yourself?" she's pretty much admitting she's trying to make the jump from AA to the majors and is swinging for a home run on the first pitch.

If a woman waits and waits and waits and then opens you with a "Hi" it means she insanely digs you and is probably well within your league.  Truth is, it means she's seen you there before and she's been thinking about you ever since.

For most women, there is not open to their approach.  They orbit in the hope that you'll get the idea and open them.  If she really likes you, she practically draws you a fucking diagram. 

As guys, we tend to miss these signals.  We're pretty dense when you get right down to it.  And even when we're not dense, we're scared or drunk or just tired or shocked that anyone would approach us.

The one thing you have to understand is that for most women, a full approach is an affront to feminine dignity.  Guys open girls.  That's how the game is played. 

But, if you know how to watch them, women will signal you the closest approach.  They try to make it as easy as possible for us without sacrificing their sense of feminine dignity.  The tough part, of course, is that guys aren't very attuned.

Just remember the simple facts of women: they're not gonna take a chance of being hit on by a freak they despise.  If they're moving closer to you and orbiting there, they want you to open them.

Go forth with this new knowledge.  Conquer some women.  Maybe one of them will make you happy.


  1. "Conquer" as in, like a slave master right? xD

    1. I wouldn't go that far. I may have chosen a rather excessive verb.

  2. Can you detail more signs women give to show interest or get men to approach? Eye contact?

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    2. Sustained eye contact is a pretty strong indicator, but you have to be careful to not assume that lack of eye contact is a no. Some people are downright pro and not getting caught looking. The look-then-look-away method is typically a good indicator.

      Eye contact is a tough indicator to look for because it means different things to different people and it means different things in different cultures.

      Physical proximity in my experience is by far the best indicator, even in the absence of eye contact. Women just don't take chances on turning on a guy they don't like by being near him if they can at all avoid it.

  3. I get approached in various ways a good bit. At the end of the night at this one club I was just sitting down drinking water to get sober with legs open... girl comes and stands right in front of me and slowly backs herself inbetween my legs so that she is right inbetween my knees. After a minute or so she left. Another girl that night who was aggressively grinding her ass on me in the dance area when I walked by comes over and sits at the seat next to me. Another group of girls saw me walking out ot the extremely crowed dance area - they were at the bar and saw them out of the corner of my eye. As soon as they saw me walk by I saw them immediately start walking after me, I moved as quickly as I could through a huge crowd of people to the other side, I turned around and there they were like 3 feet away from me.

    Girls definitely act to get your attention. If you are not getting reactions like these you are either doing something wrong or are just not attractive.