Monday, June 3, 2013

Ladies, don't sell yourselves short

As a guy who gets hit on fairly often, I wanted to do a post about about something that bothers me a bit about how women hit on me.  The women who hit on me tend to split into two distinct groups.  There are the women who try waaaaay too hard.  These are the chicks who couldn't take a hint if you attached a note to a brick and threw it through their car window.  At the other end, though, are the chicks who make a glancing effort without really seeing where things are going.

Last Saturday, I was out at a club near a college.  I like this club.  Especially during the summer, because the summer session college girls can be an interesting lot.  They tend to be hard workers who want to cut loose on the weekend.  Often, they're harder working, more dedicated people.  And they also tend to drink like sailors, swear like marines and dance like strippers.  In short, my kinda folk.

There was this black chick there who was sitting with her white girlfriend and the black the girlfriend was hanging all over.  I noticed the black chick early on, but didn't think much of it because I hate working groups.  Least of all a group that has some obnoxious bitch hanging all over a guy.  Yeah, I know I'm missing easy wins in those sports, since the chick left out in the cold is fairly easy game.  But, social sets aren't my bag.

Out of boredom, I tried a kind of different opener on the black chick.  The whole group had gotten up.  I knew from their choice of spots they'd be back.  So, I sat in the black chick's seat while the three of them were gone.  Sure enough, the loving couple comes back.  Then their friend comes back and has nowhere to sit.  She kinda orbits the first time and then goes back to the dance floor.  Then she comes back a second time and I ask her if I took her seat.  She says, "It's OK.  You're fine."  No real seg to a conversation, so I let it go.  Eventually she goes back to dancing.  I escape to another portion of the club.

Toward closing time, I'm sitting by myself just trying to sober up a bit before I have to drive.  I feel a hand on my arm and I look to see the black chick just as she says, "Hey, honey."  I have to confess, that opener threw me off a tad.  To be honest, it felt a little hookerish.

Then she throws this one at me:  "I bet you're wondering what a black girl is doing around here."  A little odd, considering there were several other black chicks standing right there.  In my experience, if a black chick broaches the concept of race, she does it because she isn't confident about potential rejection on account of her skin color.  But, it's a really terrible concept to throw into an opener.

Also, if you've read my blog much, you know black girls can get some play from me.  She said something about where she was from and that she was up this way giving her little brother a ride to college to start summer session.  I recognized the town she was from because I used to have relatives down that way.  I mention this in terms of the nearest major city.

I'm not 100% certain, but I think this is where she decided to bail.  To put it bluntly, the city I mentioned falls under the heading of places where the bad reputation of black America comes from.  I don't think name checking a shithole black city helped her confidence in terms of this racial makeup of this conversation.  She kinda let things go after that and sought out her friend.

I know everyone has their confidence issues.  And I know that women really, really do not like approaching guys.  But . . . at some point if you hit on a guy, just flow with it.  If he's reasonably engaged, don't sweat the subtext.  He's a guy.  If he's engaged then the only subtext is that he thinks he might sleep with you.

Also, to be blunt, I'm pretty sure that's what she was green lighting by saying she wasn't from the area.  Women don't generally open themselves up to "I'm not from around here" unless the context is "so no one has to know".  Women know the implication of travel and sex.

I also wonder if some of this was female catch-and-release technique.  I've said it before.  No matter how much a woman likes a guy and pursues him, she will eventually try to circle things to a point where she feels like she is being pursued.  Women like being pursued.  And they will always circle back to that mode, if at all possible.

I was interested in her.  I just game at my own pace.  I'm not a guy who escalates quickly in most cases.  The simple reason for this is that being aloof and then suddenly being grabby makes a girl feel cheap.  So, I've learned to play back a bit, unless a woman goes for a very overt sexualization of the circumstances.

I think women tend to sell themselves short in these situations.  First off, if you're going to approach, you might as well say "fuck it" and go for it.  Skip the fear, because it's too late for that once you say hello to someone.  Second, whatever your self-perceived shortcomings are, they are.  If you're that scared, don't jump.  Somebody has to be the cat lady in your neighborhood, after all!  Third, if I'm engaged in the convo, you're good.  Don't sweat the technique.

Ladies?  Give yourselves some room to game.  Don't assume failure.  If you like a guy enough to approach him, give the approach an honest try as long as he isn't obviously trying to disengage.  You'll be surprised.

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