Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Field report

This may come as a surprise to readers of the blog, but I do actually have limits for how long I can torture a girl with aloofness without throwing her a bone.  Such a case occurred this weekend.  I was out at a bar that tends to be my place to decompress.  It's a little less attended than my go-to places, so I can put my feet up, drink and just cease to give a fuck about anything.

The last few weeks, this one chick has been there every single weekend.  And every time she spends the whole night talking and dancing with different guys only to then go home alone.  She has a kinda late 20s damaged bitch vibe to her.  But not really in a horrible "fuck off" bitch kinda way.  More of a "just been hurt too many times" sorta way.  She's very much my type physically.  5'3"-ish, maybe.  Wide hips, narrow waist, dark hair. But I have a tough time giving bitchy women any play.

Every night, she has tried to get my attention.  The one night she actually resorted to parking herself right in front of me, facing toward me.  Now, for the sake of plausible denial, she had her face down texting on her phone.  But she'd peek up to see if I was looking (I have killer peripheral vision, which makes being an aloof tease waaaaay too easy).  Another night she actually kinda hits on a friend of mine, then uses that as a pretense to sit down with the two of us.  She then proceeds to park her chair directly in front of me.  No talk with me and barely any with him, actually.  Just making sure to put herself directly in my field of view.

Friday night she resorts to standing in front of me and looking directly at me, then looking at the dance floor.  Pretty much the way a dog might point at his bowl when he wants fed. I'll admit, the hilarity of that thought got the better of me and the cocky smirk came out in full force.  Understand this: women cannot resist my cocky smirk when it is fully deployed. She walks over and asks me, "do you dance?"

I reply, "I suck at it."  This is not true at all.  I am an astonishingly accomplished dancer, especially if we're talking about getting sexual to anything hip hop, Latin, club, etc. In close proximity, it takes me about two minutes to get a woman into full "I don't normally do stuff like this with guys" mode.  I can be aloof, but make no mistake about what I do when I decide to engage.  I have no trouble going from cold open to kiss in under fifteen minutes.  And I will gladly commit what would be for a less attractive guy considered a full bore sexual assault in less than two minutes.

For whatever reason, I decided to give this chick the full works.  Fuck it.  She had earned it, IMHO.  I grinded her front and back and front again.  I took her hands and pulled her arms above her head and then slowly used my hands to caress her the whole way from wrists to upper thigh.  She got the deluxe package.

And holy shit did that break her.

She grabs my hand and nervously says, "I can't get into this. You're married."

I'd like to say I reacted like a normal person would.  But I didn't.  Once I commit to full sociopath mode with a woman, I can roll with anything.  I put my left hand up and asked her, "Do you see a tan line on my ring finger?"

Then I pulled her in close, stroked her hair and held her head against my chest.  Women love being held against my chest.  I kissed her ear and then I kissed her on top of her head.

It wasn't enough.  In fact, I think it made things worse.  The problem with emotionally damaged people is that they get scared shitless when they feel their emotions getting away from them.  I had crossed the trust barrier.  I was too good. Too good is fine when the chick really wants to go there.  But if it spikes her fear response -- especially if those fears are tied up with internal turmoil -- it will flame out fabulously.

I let her go.  We finished the song.  She disengaged.  I resorted to not pursuing. 

The best option at this point is to pursue a catch and release strategy.  She'll be back.  The trick next time is to go super soft.  No grinding, no dancing.  I'll give her the full "let's talk" game.  And she'll break.  I'll push her emotionally while not pushing her too far physically.  And she'll resist.  But she'll have a moment where she just barfs out her entire soul.  Women always have that moment with me after they've had that big physical moment.

That moment is what she's scared of having.  But with tough girls, you gotta break them emotionally.  And then it will all come pouring out.  After that, she's yours to do with as you please.  The hard part calibrating the emotional push to ensure you don't come of as pressing her into a confession.  You just want to "be there for her" at the moment that it happens.  Sure, you nudge.  But they're all just really afraid that if they admit too much you will never love them.

With these women, the key is to nudge them emotionally and then show them some soft physical affection.  Little kiss on the head stuff.  You want to be the big brother, not the guy trying to get a piece.  One of the great female fantasies about men is to have a guy who can be a non-judgmental big brother with a side helping of sexual benefits.

This one is not over.  And it's going to be a hell of a ride.  I'm on the cusp of one of my patented three week burst of sexuality and emotion with one woman that just leaves her completely drained.  Strangely, unlike other times in my past, I'm not dreading this.  I want to see what's on the other side of this tough girl's brave mask.  These girls and this type of supernova relationship are my specialty.

19 comments:

  1. You resort to broken girls, where you can use their "cheat codes" to have control over them, because you lack the balls to let a woman you really want, in. Like that girl that got the astonishingly shitty response.

    You're tough on the outside but soft on the inside. You protect your vulnerability. And that vulnerability will be your undoing, one way or the other.

    It's an atrophic muscle, and if you don't start flexing it, either you'll spend the rest of your life keeping your inside away from anyone's reach (and what a wasted life that would be), or you'll eventually surrender to the wrong person, and they'll either break you or drag you by the nose.

    No matter how much you deny it, you know that deep down you want to open up, trust, and even surrender to a woman.

    I'm still reading through your blog. Maybe I'll have more comments as I go on. But one thing I can say right now is that there are things that disgust me about you (like the treatment you did on this girl), things that scare me about you (like how easily you threaten someone), and things that inspire me about you (like your independence and mental strength).

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    1. "things that disgust me about you (like the treatment you did on this girl), things that scare me about you (like how easily you threaten someone), and things that inspire me about you (like your independence and mental strength)"

      Is this even an actual guy saying this?

      No way.

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    2. I'd start with the overuse of the concept of surrender. Also, the offering up of pros and cons rather than an overt negative critique.

      Both are just not masculine at all.

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    3. Why is the concept of surrender not masculine?

      Love, and really all relationships, cannot be experienced without surrendering. It's about me influencing you and you influencing me. It's a mutual surrender. I'm guarded myself too, against women. In a similar, but also so much different way than you.

      Also, I did give you my overt negative stance on what you did. I told you I'm disgusted. Critique is supposed to be objective. But I don't see as critique what I told you. More like an interpretation.

      Why is weighting the prons and cons not masculine?

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    4. In my experience, relationships are not a form of mutual surrender. Someone always gives up more, and that person ends up on the bottom of the relationship.

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    5. You experience is correct. That actually does happen. But not all relationships are like that.

      Have you seen relationships that are a mutual surrender?

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  2. "Have you seen relationships that are a mutual surrender?"

    Son, you might as well have flown down from the sky in a flying saucer, that's how alien this concept is to me.

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  3. Ok, it's something new to you. Does a relationship *actually* based on mutuality sound appealing to you?

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    1. I believe the default state of human existence is conflict. Humans are wired for conflict. The idea of mutuality stretches any credible view of human nature that I entertain.

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    2. Can you find anything else, besides conflict, that's hardwired in us?

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    3. I get your argument, in re to things like altruism, sharing, etc. I'd argue, however, that even those things, as expressed by humans, are attempts to signal to the group a certain level of worth.

      For example, studies I've read of sharing behaviors show that even highly power-motivated people are seen as good if they disperse their winnings to the group. What might seem at first blush to be a magnanimous gesture may in fact be a method of cementing power.

      I question humanity's better nature. The evidence, as far as I can see, just isn't there. The idea that you can appeal to this alleged better nature in a relationship is a pretty fatally flawed idea.

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  4. "I get your argument, in re to things like altruism, [...]"

    You have a selective perception. You only perceive what you're predispositioned to. To put it simply, you see what you believe.

    You were born with a natural affinity toward conflict and the environment that you grew up further strengthened it.

    So you will collect the information that confirms your position (the world is ruled by conflict) and ignore or reject data that say otherwise.

    We all have a selective perception, to some extend, especially on topics that have a deep importance to us.

    Conflict is indeed hardwired in us. But so is love. And so many other things.

    "For example, studies I've read of sharing behaviors show that even highly power-motivated people [...]"

    Motive is king. If the person delivers their winnings with a motive to get power (through sympathy), then it's manipulation. It's a sign that the person is underdeveloped, unhealthy, or immature. We all manipulate depending on how underdeveloped, unhealthy, or immature we are.

    I see manipulation as a weakness for the person who manipulates. It's like admitting you can't get what you want by making your motives clear.

    Furthermore it shows that you're either willing to compromise your self, your truth, your beliefs to get something you want, or that you don't have beliefs in the first place.

    Does Blogger allow me to send you a private message? - I can't find it. I have something to say that I'm not sure whether you're okay to be said in public.

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    1. No it does not allow PMs.

      "We all manipulate depending on how underdeveloped, unhealthy, or immature we are."

      "We all manipulate" is right. The rest is wrong. Research on young adults with autism shows that their biggest breakthroughs often happen when the accept the generally manipulative nature of human existence. That implies that manipulation is a core feature of mature adult existence.

      "making your motives clear."

      No one cares what other peoples' motives are. Humans suck up to power and success and rarely question its motives so long as some of the mojo trickles down to them.

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  5. I'd like some links about that research. I want to read it myself.

    "Humans suck up to power and success"

    Lets say you've got all the power that you want...

    Question 1: How do you imagine your life's going to change? (I'm not hinting it's going to change for the worse).

    Question 2: How's do you imagine all that power's going to make you feel? Secure? Safe? Warm? Happy? Blissful? Calm? Peaceful? Don't say "powerful" or "strong"; you'd be avoiding the question.

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    1. You're seriously questioning whether people suck up to power and success?

      "Lets say you've got all the power that you want"

      I've never wanted power. All I want is a life that leave my mind entertained with intellectual pursuits of some weight until I die.

      Much of the disconnect for me with other people arises from the perception that I'm weird for not doing more with the power that I have. It doesn't help that I'm comfortable with just getting more money whenever I need it.

      I don't see what the big deal is with all that shit. It's all a fucking annoyance.

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    2. I don't really see the leap of logic that you're making here, now that I think about it. The complaint that other people suck up to power does not logically entail a desire for it on my part.

      You may want to read some of the blog posts where I discuss my sense that I might be on the autistic spectrum. I think, if you're really fishing for something, that's where you may want to fish. You're not going to get much mileage asking me how I feel about things I don't care about.

      The distinction can seem too fine, but my complaint is a product of the disconnect in expectations. People expect you to be certain things if you have the tools to pursue, and they find it upsetting when you don't pursue them. You'll find people worry in the presence of anyone who can succeed without following a socially defined, normative approach to success.

      That's a post I've been meaning to write for quite a while. I've just never gotten the whole concept fully formed in my head in order to write it.

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    3. "You're seriously questioning whether people suck up to power and success?"

      No, they do. I do too. It's our primitive part. The ape inside us. I consider it a weakness.

      "I don't really see the leap of logic that you're making here, now that I think about it. The complaint that other people suck up to power does not logically entail a desire for it on my part."

      No, it wasn't that. Well, not /exactly/ that. You do mention power a lot.

      And it was very important to you that you become financially independent. And you think that conflict is the natural state of people. And when your social muscle breaks you start to threaten people.

      That all sounds very much like an Enneagram 8. I just noticed the pattern.

      Enneagram talks about 9 archetypes of the human soul. And while we all have all 9 inside us, we're mostly fixed in one of them. I think you're fixed in the 8th. Google that and tell me what you think. I'm curious to see your reaction.

      "Much of the disconnect for me with other people arises from the perception that I'm weird for not doing more with the power that I have."

      If you do identify with Enneagram 8, then that's good news.

      "You'll find people worry in the presence of anyone who can succeed without following a socially defined, normative approach to success."

      I've seen that. That's probably envy because they're slaves to the system (system as in the predefined ways to do things). They see you break the system and succeed so... They cry foul. Instead of following your path or finding their own shortcut. I've done it myself too.

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    4. Enneagram . . . sounds like Myers-Briggs by another name and repackaged for 80s New Age types. If you read the blog much, you'll find that I positively despise personality typing. It has way too much in common with astrology and other hokum.

      Look at the lists of people that fit the type . . . that's a hard no for me.

      I think you're conflating my observations of humanity with how I wish the world were. To my view, there's a disconnect between those things. I realize with most folks there isn't, that their view of humanity arises from their view of themselves. I don't feel that way about myself.

      For me, human existence is a bit of alien thing. I understand it in a very rote and anthropological sense, but it's not something I want to be in the middle of.

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