Monday, December 9, 2013

A two track approach to being avoidant: an introduction

One thing I don't really hit on much -- but that's worth talking about more -- is that I am a perverse and deformed take on the traditional avoidant personality disorder. The big difference between me and the typical avoidant personality is that I tend to utilize a two track approach in order to fulfill my needs for intimacy.

The average avoidant person tends to involve themselves in a single, co-dependent long-term relationship with a person who is a love addict. Basically they anchor one needy, dependent person in a relationship and then proceed to traumatize the shit out of that person by denying their needs. Worse the victim is typically characterized as a love addict, a person acting on a parental abandonment complex  by desperately seeking someone to truly love them. They're often trying to work through childhood trauma by essentially redeeming their missing parent through a proxy relationship. The basic though is "Daddy wasn't available (physically / emotionally / both), but I know he was a good guy and I'll prove that by loving the shit out of this really distant and detached guy."

I don't do that. I tend to follow two tracks that each involved fairly large sets of different people.

Track one: casual sex

I don't get a lot of mileage out of sex. In truth, I consider it by far one of the most overrated aspects of the human experience. That said, it's there and it has to be dealt with.

I solve the problem by seeking the most casual sex possible with the most available chick who I find attractive on a given night. To summarize this issue fully, I could not give you a full name (or in many cases any name) for the large majority of my sexual partner. A mediocre fuck in the back of the car at 2 am with a chick I met at the bar is pretty much peak sexual intimacy for me.

Track two: endless emotional entrapment

I'm never really happy until I have at least two, preferably three women stuck in what might best be called a "friends without benefits" relationship. I have a gift for friendzoning the shit of a chick. Not even a good friend zone relationship. A really shitty friendship where she basically spends all of her time begging for any scrap of attention at all.

Never the twain shall meet

The one big feature of my two track approach is that a chick can opt for one or the other. She can choose to be sexually available for the rare night where I even care to be involved sexually with someone, or she can opt for the endless pining of the incredibly mediocre friend zone that I provide.

If you go for the fuck, you better understand that the relationship is the equivalent of a cruise missile -- fast, on target, and about to be blasted to pieces and forget forever.

If you go for the friend zone and the illusion of a longer term relationship, you can forget ever getting a piece of ass.

The women that opt for the emotional track are the bulk of what I discuss on this blog. In truth, that's because that shit is the triple-stacked cake with the frosting on it for me. That type of endless emotional horror show is absolutely my kind of kink. I can very rightly say that it's exactly what gets me off. Nothing makes me happier than the idea that several women at any given time will completely subvert their entire lives to notion that they just need to dial the knobs the right way in order to get me into a rleationship.

Building an appropriate defense once you know she likes you

The one truly great thing about being an avoidant male is that no woman who is honestly in your league will ever attempt to ask you out. She will do lots and lots and lots of stoopid shit to get your attention and engage you, but girls always want the guy to ask them out. They will concoct the dumbest fucking scenarios for acting like "oh gee, here's a great chance for you to ask me out" without every just saying "Hey? You wanna . . . ya know . . .  maybe do something together some time?"

It's a complete violation of the female ego construct. It's not allowed.

For the avoidant guy who is two-tracking women, this is wonderfully easy to exploit. The girl will catch herself in what amounts to a game of Tetris -- always trying to play one more round, always trying to do a little better, and doomed to never win and end the game no matter how well she plays it.

Worse, because she's likely a clinically certifiable love addict, she doesn't comprehend the idea that the avoidant guy doesn't want an engaged, long-term relationship. She thinks the game is winnable. She thinks the next round will get her closer to the victory screen and that the credits will roll. She doesn't understand that the endless lack of winning is a feature and not a bug. She thinks she just has to work around the bug and figure him out and then everything will be OK. After all, everybody wants to be in love, because love is the most wonderful thing in the world, right? And failing that, he eventually has to get horny and want a piece of ass, right, because all guys are pigs, right?

Defensive layer one: race

I've mentioned race before, and I'm going to mention it again. I'm a white guy who lives in a white society, and who manages to have a disproportionate number of relationships of both types that I've described with women outside my race. I circulate in a segment of society where I could comfortably never have to worry about a black or hispanic woman every hitting on me. In other words, I put myself in this position often enough that it's unrealistic to act like it's not a feature.

Here are a few of my race-related stories . . . Hispanic waitress pt1, hispanic waitress pt2, black stripper slash fuck buddy, the half-black, half-Asian orbiter from my college days. (FTR, Asians don't make the list because Asian girls just don't do it for me at all.)

Race makes a great barrier in an avoidant relationship, especially if you're the white man and she's the black or hispanic girl. Women from darker-skinned minority groups come with fear and inferiority pre-installed.  That's where sassy fat black female attitude comes from -- it's a front put up against a seriously ignorant, mean, cruel and stupid world that treats black women like complete shit.

Defensive layer two: age

A lot of my aloof-avoidant relationships are with women who are significantly younger than me. I'm in my mid-30s and I frequently initiate these relationships with women in their early 20s.

When I was younger, I actually did the complete reverse with sexual relationships, going for much older women (in a couple cases, women who could have easily gone to jail). In fact, the only at-once emotional and sexual relationship I ever had was with an older women when I was in my early 20s and she was married to an invalid.

Sometimes I regret not putting stories on here because then I end up needing to link them and they're not here. The age thing is especially one of those stories, because the best example is by far  an unpublished one. Dammit . . . right now I have a great example that falls under the "will never publish" set of stories that involves a 20 y.o. virgin. Arrrgh. It really illustrates the point better . . . but . . . no. Can't publish. Ever. Too wrong. Too evil. Too hard to even explain to myself.

Underpinning point of that story if I did tell it is that the age difference provides an easy way to friend zone the girl credibly. After all, what kind of gentleman would I be to take advantage of some poor young ingenue? Funny thing how a 20 y.o. virgin who's saving herself for marriage will act when she meets an older guy that she thinks is The One. Suddenly her friend Jesus can just take all those promises and go fuck himself. Every girl will seek dick first and then figure out how to get right with Jesus later if she thinks you're The One.

And of course being the rare older guy who, when offered young, virgin pussy, tells her "gee, no . . . can't" makes you look you must absolutely be The One, because you're clean and decent and too virtuous to violate her. Well holy shit wow! He must really be The Right Guy. In short, it's a great way to look like a hero (narcissism? check.) and still refuse intimacy (avoidant? check.).

Defensive layer three: impossible barriers

Remember the one who got through? This is Mrs. Married to the Vegetable.

What made that relationship so open and emotionally fulfilling? Well, because her dying husband fucking refused to just have the decency to fucking die!

How great is that? I could be emotionally open because she could never bring herself to let anyone know that she was fucking around on her dead husband. With the exception of me and her dying husband, I'm pretty sure no one else ever knew about the relationship.

Of course I could be open in that relationship! It was the perfect relationship, because she was never going to rat me the fuck out for being available emotionally and sexually!

And the minute he dies, and the impossible barrier goes away, and suddenly the relationship becomes possible, guess where the fuck I went? Away.

Defensive layer four: physical distance

I don't really publish these stories because they're boring as fuck. I'm not good at long-distance because I need to see my victim up close. I've only ever done two of these, and both were photography clients who could be tortured properly by way of the business relationship. A half-example of one that didn't pan out.

I do, however, loves me some overseas vacation sex. Example. I actually have better stories, and dammit I still need to publish the threesome story some day. Grrr. The shit I'll never get around to writing is often the shit that best illustrates my points. Wonder what that really says about me?

Suffice it to say, if a chick is gonna be stuck thousands of miles away and never able to track me down, I'm gonna take advantage of that.

Defensive layer five: drugs and addiction

For those who didn't bother to follow the previous half-example link in "layer four", it should also be noted that not only did that one have distance, but it also had amphetamines involved.

Drugs make a wonderful way for an avoidant personality to justify their behavior. After all, I'm not being avoidant for a bad reason, right? I'm trying to avoid all the bad shit that's going on in her life.

By far the most sexually satisfied I've ever been with a woman was with a semi-regular fuck buddy who was a heroin addict. Complete mess of a human being, but heroin addicts have a wonderfully sympathetic quality. And she had this wonderful, reckless sexual energy all the time (high or not). Just a splendid wreck of human being, and she adored me in that beautiful way that only the true love addict can adored the true avoidant personality.

Another case of a truly perfect relationship for me. She was never even close to quitting or even thinking about quitting. She always wanted to fuck. She always wanted to curl up in my arms and cry. And I could tell her to fuck off at a moments notice whenever she became too much for me because the drugs were a constant source of problems.

I've come back to this well multiple times. It's probably not a good thing that I generally feel my most sexually open and safe with IV drug users who I can push away in the blink of an eye.



One thing I find fascinating about my own behavior is how important it is that I don't have to be sexually and emotionally available to a women. Or that when I do try it, that she's in such a thoroughly compromised position that I can easily discard her when she becomes inconvenient.

I want to expand upon this a bit, but it's getting overly long for a single blog post. I think the next thing I'll do is break some of these relationships down into their pieces in order to shed some light on them. For now, fuck it, sleep calls out to me.


  1. i have qualities similar to some of the women you described in your different relationships. i am the alcoholic pill popping version of the heroin woman, i'm 5 years older than my aloof male but we are in our twenties, and instead of being married to an invalid i am decidedly forever in love with a man who left me a long time ago. it is interesting to make the possible connections between your words and the other side of the relationship. one thing that concerns me about your writing, though, is that it presents all women who engage in these destructive patterns as completely oblivious to their own behavior. i can't speak for all women but being someone who has completely degraded herself many times for aloof men, i would just like to say that i am completely lucid and aware of what i do when i do it. there is pain and frustration, obviously, but in a messed up way, the pain and frustration is part of the why i do it. i fear actual love and acceptance and so i play the same game over and over. it is not unlike your own games that you play with women who you entice but never fuck. deep down inside i have the tiniest hope that one day i will just learn to love myself and be able to accept the love of a man who deserves it, when i feel that i've been punished enough.

    1. Or you could just go on FetLife and call it a kink.